It’s been another crazy old week/s. Being drawn closer to my Father’s heart and being stretched and encouraged to go deeper and deeper. People ask me how I am, and generally all I can muster up is a “ahh I’m good”. Life has been painful, beautiful and wonderful, intense and joyful and weird.
The first few months of doing bible college and living in NSW seemed almost like the process of falling in love. Falling in love again with Papa and the Bridegroom. Ecstatic Joy. Communion. New friends. Encounters. Bliss.
Then He called me to journey deeper.
First we had Heart Rev…a conference where Danny Silk from Bethel was the guest speaker doing his KYLO content. That wrecked me. These simple truths radically effected my life. My church was also radically changed and we went through/and are going through a breaking season, a season of change and acceleration. For me, this has looked somewhat like chaos. Before it felt like God was highlighting areas in my life in steps that seemed to make sense and it seemed much easier. Since May…it’s been like ‘oh see this area in your life’, ‘argh I have pain here’, ‘oh my gosh that area is confronting’ with a whole bunch of different things. Sundays look like me crying in worship week after week because of God’s beauty and His kindness and the areas of my heart that He is confronting and healing and bringing to the light.
After talking to a friend yesterday I can see that there are some patterns though, and I know it’s not just me that feels like this but many people are finding the same thing. I feel like God has been taking me back to basics, to the essentials. Some of these things are super practical…like stewarding my time, my money (budgeting, tithing), and being intentional with my friendships and what I do. Some are heart basics…valuing myself, my identity, being content in who I am, knowing I am loved, dealing with past hurts and unforgiveness and learning to use my voice. I am also going back to basics with community…learning how to communicate, how to listen, how to value people, be vulnerable.
To be honest, it’s been full on. Sometimes I question if I’m even on the right path, I worry that I come off too intense and I still struggle with being completely real and authentic. That’s my desire, to be 100% real with God and with people in everything that I do…even if it makes me uncomfortable or makes others uncomfortable, or doesn’t look right or proper. I need to smash those religious mindsets and fear of man that keeps me silent or faking it. Enough is enough.
We had some prayer and intercession as a household last night and my housemates prayed for me and one of them gave me this word that was so accurate for this season. She described a scene from The Shack. It’s been so many years since I read that book and I can’t remember it at all but what she drew out of it was really relevant to me and this season. I looked it up today and copied a quote of it below. So the main character, Mack, was taken into a garden with the Holy Spirit (Sarayu) and they were gardening- planting and digging up ground and pulling up weeds…chaos. It was hard to make sense of what was happening.
“Mack says how, though the garden is a mess, he somehow feels strangely comfortable in it. Papa and Sarayu smile at each other. Sarayu says, “And well you should, Mackenzie, because this garden is your soul—this mess is you! Together, you and I, we have been working with a purpose in your heart. And its wild and beautiful and perfectly in process. To you it seems messy, but to me, I see a perfect pattern emerging and growing and alive—a living fractal.” Mack crumbled. He looked at his garden and it really was a mess, but incredible and wonderful at the same time. Amidst the chaos and confusion, there is beauty in imperfection.”
I love that and it makes my heart ache and dance at the same time. God and I have been working with purpose in my heart and it’s messy and wild and beautiful. And I’m so thankful. I’m so thankful for this journey. For His goodness and love and His pursuit of my heart. I wouldn’t give it up for anything. Even in the midst of pain and tears He is still a good Father and I trust Him with this beautiful wild chaos.