It’s been 9 days since my last post and I have been stumped on what to write.
So much has been going on; I’ve started my second semester at bible college (freaking heck where has the time gone). This semester is mostly about creativity and even just the introduction to that has opened the door to a huge amount of pain in my heart. But I think that will be a post for another day…
Holidays were wonderful and I enjoyed the simple delight of the ordinary day to day. Last week nothing exciting happened but the days were beautifully spent with friends, housemates, working, going to the cinema, doing soup kitchen and my nights were made up of prayer times with housemates and then just enjoying being home, listening to music and drinking wine. During school my weeks get so busy and I don’t spend a lot of time at home and with my housemates so last week was lovely.
But this post, this post I think is going to be about a man.
And I haven’t really wanted to write anything about it because I don’t know what my intentions are in writing anything. I have been reading a whole bunch of posts by christian ladies on the ‘singleness’ tag and it’s just been on my mind a lot. In fact it’s been on my mind way.too.much.
And there’s a lot I could write, a lot that has been written before by much more eloquent writers than I.
But I think I just need to just get this off my chest, so bear with me please.
I have never dated, been close to dating or even held hands with a guy romantically. There has been a lot of pain and heartache in my life surrounding men due to the way that I grew up and things that happened. I have always had crush upon crush, my deepest desire was for someone to pursue me and make me feel like I was worth being loved and when no-one ever did it played deeply into those roots of pain, self-hatred, and loathing. The thing was I could not even have a real conversation with a guy, let alone get to know one, be friends, and then possibly pursue a deeper heart connection.
I had perfect strategies to protect my heart- avoidance, rejection, manipulation and control. All out of fear of being hurt, fear of being seen and fear of being known, ie: “if they knew I liked them, they would be repulsed at me, they would reject me and of course they will reject me because look at me, why wouldn’t they, so now I’m going to go out of my way to avoid you, avoid showing you any of myself and I’ll reject you before you can reject me…”. And to be perfectly honest I didn’t even think it was that bad. I mean come’on the bible even talks about guarding your heart right?! The thing was, was while I was self-protecting out of fear, I was letting my mind run circles with fantasies and imaginations. Daydreaming about this guy or that one, turning a very basic image of a guy I knew into this wild imagination based on maybe one conversation.
So this year comes along. And I’m starting for the first time to learn what vulnerability looks like. I’ve become super aware of my behaviour and starting to asking the Father why I do this things. I’m on a journey where I’ve seen the pursuit of my heart by my Beloved and that His desire is for me and I am so worthy of being loved and He loves me even though He knows me deeply and sees everything. He is healing my heart, slowly but surely.
I’m learning what brothers are. That you can love a guy with all your heart and it’s pure and brotherly and not romantic at all. Seriously this revelation is still blowing my mind. But I feel like it’s probably a whole other post…
And I have a crush….
It’s been about 3 months. And when I first started feeling attracted to him I was so upset, I was angry at myself for going down that path again. I was here to study and grow in God…not get distracted by a guy. UG! I even had a crying conversation with my housemate because I felt so ashamed!
But in the last 3 months I have realised that God definitely allows things to show up areas in our heart. Because these months have been so hard and at times so wonderful and have drawn me closer to my Father’s heart. Because in this area I really need a Dad, and He is the best one.
One of the things that I have been constantly taken back to are my self-protection walls. When I first started feeling attracted my instincts were to avoid, avoid, avoid. And slowly the Father has been teaching me and knocking those walls down. This guy and I are actually pretty good friends now but there are still behaviours that I do, that immediately after I feel the Holy Spirit confront and ask ‘why did you do that’? And my answer usually is fear, anxiety, fear of rejection etc.
At the same time, I have been feeling the Holy Spirit remind me to take every thought captive. And I have been less good at this. I go well for a short while but then my day- dreaming starts back up. Even during the holidays I noticed that I just started watching a few more gooey movies and songs and my thoughts went a-wandering and my heart went a-flutter. I keep reminding myself that I want reality. That reality is good. My life at the moment is beautiful, this friendship that I have is beautiful and I need to live in this moment. Not building a super-human idea in my head, or hoping/expecting some beautiful fairytale relationship into existence in my mind. I am reminded to ‘let it go’, lay him down and let it all rest in Father’s heart. For He is good and has good plans and intentions towards me.
Sometimes it feels exhausting. Being vulnerable and open but guarding my thoughts. It’s like the one always wants to reign supreme over the other. When I am open and real with him, our friendship connection gets stronger which then gives me all this exciting information to process and then daydream about. But when I try to take my thoughts captive I get bound in this legalistic hold that just says, ‘do not think about him’ and the best way to do that practically is to avoid seeing him, or just guard my heart and try not to increase that connection.
The reason why this post comes today despite walking it out for the last few months is that a few days ago I was having a conversation with a few friends and a few different things came up. One was they were all discussing who they could see him dating (this super cute lovely girl from church) and also they were talking about more of his personality stuff that I didn’t know about him. I left that conversation feeling quite hurt (for a number of reasons) but it played into those deep fears again of ‘not being good enough’ and ‘why am I fooling myself’. It also reminded me that I have only known this person for a few months and I don’t even know him that well! Yes, we have been becoming friends and we enjoy each other’s company and there is a lot I like about him but there is a lot about him I don’t know.
My answer to these feelings the last few days has been ‘ENOUGH IS ENOUGH’. ‘You must stop feeling things now Rebekah’. ‘You will get hurt’ and ‘Maybe it’s all in my head. Is it real or not?’
And to be honest that’s where I am at. Questioning. How do you walk out being vulnerable and having boundaries? How do you keep taking every thought captive? How do you open yourself up and risk getting to know someone deeply? How do you walk out freedom knowing that you are loved and are valued, despite the enemy trying to convince you that you aren’t?
I am thankful for this journey because it is touching areas of hurt in my heart that probably wouldn’t show up if not for this. And I also thankful that God is taking me on this journey now at the beginnings of an attraction/crush/liking whatever you might call it rather than if I were head over heels.
Anyway. This has been super long and probably super confusing (welcome to my writing style!). I am a verbal processor and this is an area of my life I really struggle to talk about with people face to face so this is it!
So if you have any thoughts/comments/advice…let me have it
I wrote this post about 4 days ago now and just had it sitting in drafts. I still wanted to post it but I am feeling less stressed now. Ah life.